Saturday, August 20, 2011


I've been feeling stuck for quite a while, as if there's an obstacle preventing me from feeling joy and peace. I know it's in my belly, because I can feel it there.  I imagine it looks and feels like a round ball, filled with emotion, stuck in my belly, waiting for my attention.  For the longest time, I felt contempt for it.  I didn't want it to be there.  I didn't want to have to deal with it.  I didn't want to feel any more difficult emotions.  I just wanted to be past it without having to go into it.  But the longer I ignore it, the longer I feel depressed and anxious.
Depression and anxiety set in when I'm not willing to feel whatever emotion is in the forefront, as if I'm numb to the real emotion, pretending like everything is okay.  I know I'll go there eventually, because that's what I do.  I know I won't stop this journey because of a little difficult emotion.  It hasn't stopped me before.  My journey through the darkness, thankfully, has been intermingled with feelings of intense joy and pure peace, and making wonderful memories along the way.
I'd been dancing around the idea of going into the stuckness for quite a while, feeling scared of what might be there.  I've begun to open up that space to see what's inside.  Now it feels like I'm gently perusing the perimeter of it, contemplating whether to go in.  The more I go into what hurts me and keeps me stuck, the more I free up space for love and joy.  So I'll go there.

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