If there's one thing I have learned on my journey, it's to trust myself. My friend, Kathleen, and I joke about how I was when I first started on this path and was going through a divorce. I would call her and say, "I don't know what I think... tell me what I think!" I used to just plain assume I didn't know the answer. I had no idea how to trust myself and was much more comfortable following whoever was in front of me.
Wow, is that different now. Now when I'm cloudy, I get impatient and frustrated and wish I knew exactly what to do, but really I know that it's just not time to take action. I've learned to differentiate between analytical conclusions, which sometimes are right on, and what I KNOW. When I know it, I know it and there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to sway me. I know it through every cell of my body and in the deepest part of my soul because it's really an awakening to the truth. It's when I'm getting in touch with my higher self and the thing that is exactly right for me.
When I find myself in a vortex of confusion about what to do next, I have to remind myself that I know the answer and ask my brain to step aside for a moment. I feel for the right answer and trust whatever comes to me. I always find myself saying, "Okay, yeah, I already knew that." Always behind the confusion, the truth is uncomfortable for me, like having to tell the truth to someone when it's the most scary thing to do ever, or having to sit still to feel sad about something I've been avoiding my entire life. Yikes!
It feels confusing because the truth is competing with the ego. An internal battle between what my soul knows to be true and the story that my ego likes to tell about who I am and what I like to do. No matter how spiritually evolved or intuitive a person is, no human being knows better about me and my life than I do. I honestly thought they did. It's' so liberating to know that I know what to do.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
No Pointing Fingers
Anger is rarely about the thing that brought up the anger. Anger is such a blessing, because if you look straight at it and get to know it and to know yourself through it, light is shed on the darkness. I had been asking to know and heal my anger and irritability that I had been holding onto for so long. So there is was, right in front of me, though I certainly didn't see it clearly at first.
Last week, a friend of mine told me about her being mistreated by a man she was dating. I was very suddenly and surprisingly angry. I wanted to give her the space she needed to make her own mistakes and live through her own process of learning without judgement. I know that's what I need from my friends. Instead, I was consumed with anger and sadness and focused on how wrong she was for allowing herself to be mistreated. What I wish I would have done is noticed that she was bringing up so many emotions for me, told her that I needed the time and space to process through the emotions on my own, and then addressed them with her if it was still necessary, from a place of love in my heart.
Unfortunately, that's not what I did. Instead, I had begun to process through it all and to understand where the anger and hurt were coming from, but was still angry with her for being so careless with herself. I felt that she "needed" me (that's another story!), so went ahead with the ensuing conversations and proceeded to spew my unprocessed thoughts and feelings all over her. She felt hurt enough by me that she no longer wants to be my friend. Zowie! What have I done?
So on I go, seeking deeper and deeper inside myself for the answers. It's ME I need to look at, not her! It's ME that put up with mistreatment for a very long time. It's ME that hasn't yet forgiven myself for it. Someone said to me this weekend, "when you're pointing the finger at someone else, there are four fingers pointing back at you." Isn't that the truth! I have no doubt that this situation that feels like a lot of hurt, will transform itself into healing for the highest good.
Last week, a friend of mine told me about her being mistreated by a man she was dating. I was very suddenly and surprisingly angry. I wanted to give her the space she needed to make her own mistakes and live through her own process of learning without judgement. I know that's what I need from my friends. Instead, I was consumed with anger and sadness and focused on how wrong she was for allowing herself to be mistreated. What I wish I would have done is noticed that she was bringing up so many emotions for me, told her that I needed the time and space to process through the emotions on my own, and then addressed them with her if it was still necessary, from a place of love in my heart.
Unfortunately, that's not what I did. Instead, I had begun to process through it all and to understand where the anger and hurt were coming from, but was still angry with her for being so careless with herself. I felt that she "needed" me (that's another story!), so went ahead with the ensuing conversations and proceeded to spew my unprocessed thoughts and feelings all over her. She felt hurt enough by me that she no longer wants to be my friend. Zowie! What have I done?
So on I go, seeking deeper and deeper inside myself for the answers. It's ME I need to look at, not her! It's ME that put up with mistreatment for a very long time. It's ME that hasn't yet forgiven myself for it. Someone said to me this weekend, "when you're pointing the finger at someone else, there are four fingers pointing back at you." Isn't that the truth! I have no doubt that this situation that feels like a lot of hurt, will transform itself into healing for the highest good.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Against the Storm
Chaos all around
Unanswered questions, uncertainties
How can this be!?
Pushing, pulling, whirling
Core of self, principled
Only authenticity will be enough
Insecurities, doubts, fears
Push through, maintain you
Stand tall, unbreakable against the storm
Unanswered questions, uncertainties
How can this be!?
Pushing, pulling, whirling
Core of self, principled
Only authenticity will be enough
Insecurities, doubts, fears
Push through, maintain you
Stand tall, unbreakable against the storm
Going In
I go in, I come out. With love in my heart and a huge dose of humility, I go deeper into myself to explore what's there. It gets to be very personal, once the masks are removed. Wow! I am always amazed at the breadth of feeling and understanding that comes from "going in" deeper. I am floored, and yet I knew it all along. I just didn't know I knew it. When I go in deep, I come out without words. I am left speechless, just trying to absorb what has just occurred. If I speak, I might just repeat the same old story, even though I know now it isn't true. What's the new story? I don't know yet. The path has been blown over with sand. I must find a new way now.
It feels like the land of Oz, where the curtain is pulled away from where the wizard is trying to keep up appearances. What can he do now, but tell the truth? Once the truth is exposed, it is even more painful to keep up the facade. It can be done, but "no, thank you", I say to that. The truth shall set me free.
It feels like the land of Oz, where the curtain is pulled away from where the wizard is trying to keep up appearances. What can he do now, but tell the truth? Once the truth is exposed, it is even more painful to keep up the facade. It can be done, but "no, thank you", I say to that. The truth shall set me free.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Beware of the Shadow
The shadow is the part of yourself you want to keep hidden, what you wish didn't exist. Everyone has one, like it or not. Twentieth century psychologist, Carl Jung, coined the term. In his words, "As individual attention is habitually and excessively focused on the facade of the persona, the deeper, neglected aspects of the personality continually sabotage the individual's conscious intentions." It's not that the facade is necessarily phony, just that the outward appearances don't tell a complete picture of the whole personality.
I used to wish that I could always be sweet and loving. Being sweet is part of my authentic self, but so is anger and sadness, which I avoided like the plague. Life was easier for me when I was sweet and happy, or so I thought. Keeping the shadow hidden is like trying to hold balloons under water. It will eventually rise because these unconscious parts of us want to be known. The more we try to keep them tucked away, the more they will appear when we wish they wouldn't. Anger and sadness are my shadow, and they kept popping up as guilt trips I would lay on someone who didn't please me, intense criticism of people who had "anger problems", and I would find myself getting angry way beyond what was called for by what just happened. No matter how hard I tried to be sweet and loving, the anger would find its way out.
The key to becoming more whole and balanced is to get to know the shadow and allow it to play an acceptable role in our lives, rather than trying to hold it down. Anger can be a warning sign that something is wrong and can be an important motivator of change for the better. It's important to pay attention to when we feel angry because there's something there to look at within ourselves. It may be that the current situation is wrong for us or it might be that an old wound is being opened, providing an opportunity for us to heal.
Since we don't want to own our shadow self, we become critical of it in ourselves and others. Someone who believes that seriousness is desirable while playfulness is not, won't allow himself to be playful. He will criticize himself for desiring to be playful and criticize others for having too much fun. He will likely secretly detest them for being able to express that part of themselves. If he were willing to know and love this side of himself, he could find balance between seriousness and playfulness and enjoy a richer life.
Sometimes we try so hard to hide certain qualities, we make ourselves believe that they don't exist within us. We simply can't see them when they show up, but they certainly affect our relationships and lives. We all have light and dark within us. The more conscious we become of all the parts of ourselves, the more we can live with the purpose we desire.
In his famous sermon on the mount, Jesus asks his disciples, "Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?" Jesus' wish for us is that we take a closer look at our own experience rather than focus on the faults of others.
I used to wish that I could always be sweet and loving. Being sweet is part of my authentic self, but so is anger and sadness, which I avoided like the plague. Life was easier for me when I was sweet and happy, or so I thought. Keeping the shadow hidden is like trying to hold balloons under water. It will eventually rise because these unconscious parts of us want to be known. The more we try to keep them tucked away, the more they will appear when we wish they wouldn't. Anger and sadness are my shadow, and they kept popping up as guilt trips I would lay on someone who didn't please me, intense criticism of people who had "anger problems", and I would find myself getting angry way beyond what was called for by what just happened. No matter how hard I tried to be sweet and loving, the anger would find its way out.
The key to becoming more whole and balanced is to get to know the shadow and allow it to play an acceptable role in our lives, rather than trying to hold it down. Anger can be a warning sign that something is wrong and can be an important motivator of change for the better. It's important to pay attention to when we feel angry because there's something there to look at within ourselves. It may be that the current situation is wrong for us or it might be that an old wound is being opened, providing an opportunity for us to heal.
Since we don't want to own our shadow self, we become critical of it in ourselves and others. Someone who believes that seriousness is desirable while playfulness is not, won't allow himself to be playful. He will criticize himself for desiring to be playful and criticize others for having too much fun. He will likely secretly detest them for being able to express that part of themselves. If he were willing to know and love this side of himself, he could find balance between seriousness and playfulness and enjoy a richer life.
Sometimes we try so hard to hide certain qualities, we make ourselves believe that they don't exist within us. We simply can't see them when they show up, but they certainly affect our relationships and lives. We all have light and dark within us. The more conscious we become of all the parts of ourselves, the more we can live with the purpose we desire.
In his famous sermon on the mount, Jesus asks his disciples, "Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?" Jesus' wish for us is that we take a closer look at our own experience rather than focus on the faults of others.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Clear Blue Sky
Access the soul's wisdom
through meditation.
Lay aside the activity
and chaos.
Push aside the worries and plans,
the fears of what might happen.
See the clear path down the center where
sure-footed travel takes place.
Watch the clouds withdraw,
dispersing and disappearing.
Gone; they were unnecessary anyway.
See the clear, blue sky
where wisdom resides.
Feel the simplicity, enjoy the clarity
where pressures don't exist.
Know the uncomplicated truth
behind the clouds.
The clear, blue sky has been there
all along.
through meditation.
Lay aside the activity
and chaos.
Push aside the worries and plans,
the fears of what might happen.
See the clear path down the center where
sure-footed travel takes place.
Watch the clouds withdraw,
dispersing and disappearing.
Gone; they were unnecessary anyway.
See the clear, blue sky
where wisdom resides.
Feel the simplicity, enjoy the clarity
where pressures don't exist.
Know the uncomplicated truth
behind the clouds.
The clear, blue sky has been there
all along.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Stuckness
I've been feeling stuck for quite a while, as if there's an obstacle preventing me from feeling joy and peace. I know it's in my belly, because I can feel it there. I imagine it looks and feels like a round ball, filled with emotion, stuck in my belly, waiting for my attention. For the longest time, I felt contempt for it. I didn't want it to be there. I didn't want to have to deal with it. I didn't want to feel any more difficult emotions. I just wanted to be past it without having to go into it. But the longer I ignore it, the longer I feel depressed and anxious.
Depression and anxiety set in when I'm not willing to feel whatever emotion is in the forefront, as if I'm numb to the real emotion, pretending like everything is okay. I know I'll go there eventually, because that's what I do. I know I won't stop this journey because of a little difficult emotion. It hasn't stopped me before. My journey through the darkness, thankfully, has been intermingled with feelings of intense joy and pure peace, and making wonderful memories along the way.
I'd been dancing around the idea of going into the stuckness for quite a while, feeling scared of what might be there. I've begun to open up that space to see what's inside. Now it feels like I'm gently perusing the perimeter of it, contemplating whether to go in. The more I go into what hurts me and keeps me stuck, the more I free up space for love and joy. So I'll go there.
Depression and anxiety set in when I'm not willing to feel whatever emotion is in the forefront, as if I'm numb to the real emotion, pretending like everything is okay. I know I'll go there eventually, because that's what I do. I know I won't stop this journey because of a little difficult emotion. It hasn't stopped me before. My journey through the darkness, thankfully, has been intermingled with feelings of intense joy and pure peace, and making wonderful memories along the way.
I'd been dancing around the idea of going into the stuckness for quite a while, feeling scared of what might be there. I've begun to open up that space to see what's inside. Now it feels like I'm gently perusing the perimeter of it, contemplating whether to go in. The more I go into what hurts me and keeps me stuck, the more I free up space for love and joy. So I'll go there.
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