The Girl From Walden Pond

Why am I so stuck?
Why have I worked so hard to still be so stuck?
Why do I still feel so childlike and incapable of being an adult, like I'd never grown up?
I feel incapable of being a good mother.
I feel incapable of feeling happy and free.
Of making my own decisions and living in a spiritually sound way.
I see no way out.
It feels like a farce to think I'm actually an adult and will ever find a way to feel happy and free and to be good at anything.
It's all an illusion I just can't keep up.
Leave me alone all of you who think I can actually be someone who matters.
I am a follower and that's it, a support in the shadow of the great ones, helping from my dark corners from which I creep, only to dart back to my dark, lonely hiding place.
It's all a show.  The cheerfulness, the autonomy, the capability.
I am not worthy and capable.
I must admit the truth before I can be anything.
I am terrified to be alive, responsible for children, and to have a life of my own.
I am a small child.  How could I do that??
Leave me alone and expect nothing of me.
We all know that's what you'll get in the end.
I can't keep up the song and dance anymore.
I have no more to give.
I have no energy to keep this up.
It's not real.
What's real is that I'm tiny and insignificant, incapable and scared to death of all of you.
I don't want a relationship with you because it means I'll have to do this "thing" some more.
Being with you makes me into something I hate.
I don't want to hate me, so please stay away.
It's how I feel in relation to you.
I hate what I become when I try to be with you, when I think perhaps I can make you happy, when I think maybe we can interact in an enjoyable way.
My dreams crash to the floor.
It all shatters and each time this happens, I feel smaller and smaller, less and less capable of having any impact on the world, on you or on me.
Each time I feel more angry, hurt and helpless to affect anything in my world.
Each time I retreat further, darker, smaller.
Further into myself where I can't be seen.
More masks, more veneers, more pretending, hard surfaces to show to the world.
Less expectation of happiness, connection, intimacy, realness.
I BECOME that veneer, that face I show to the world.
I forget that the realness even existed, that I ever had dreams of connection, intimacy and true love, of authenticity and joy.
It hurts too much to remember that.  Way too much.
I think I would die if I had to expose myself one more time and dream again of real intimacy.
She is so small, so hidden, so protected in a rock hard shell, in complete darkness, tucked away where no one will find her.
There is a disconnect between that pure heart that ventured out to seek connection and found none and the shell of a girl that lived my life.
Years ago I had a dream of a stone statue of a girl called "The Girl From Walden Pond".
That was me, the girl that appeared to be a girl, but who you could put your hand through because she wasn't really there.
Pretending won't make it different.
Acting as if I'm real won't make me real.
It's just more of the shell.
It's either her or it's not.
It's the real me or it's the shell.

Push to Open

So here's another one; the first being the tulip scenario.  I had a meeting with a guy, Paul, who was leaving his office the same time I was, so we walked out together.  He suggested we take the stairs so I pushed the door to the stairwell.  It didn't open.  I pushed again, harder.  Still nothing.  So I pushed harder.  I think I pushed it four times, harder each time.  Paul chuckled and another guy walking past us gave me a "Settle down, there.  Everything's gonna be just fine" kinda smile while he pushed the big green button that said" Push to Open".  Ohhhh! Right.

I laughed, as I'm doing now, recalling the ridiculousness of the situation and how foolish I looked, except I really didn't care about that.  I cared more about the symbolism behind it.  That's how I live my life.  Pushing, pushing, pushing, even when the thing clearly isn't working.  "I'm in control!  Me!  I got this!"

Letting go is so hard.  It's much easier to hold on tightly to what feels safe.  What a false sense of security, holding on to illusions.  In fact, I feel chaotic and uncertain when I'm pushing and trying to secure control that I will never have.  We already are safe.  Always have been and always will be.  It's the vulnerability that's scary, but that's the only place we'll find what's real.

My Drug of Choice

It's not drugs, alcohol or cigarettes.  It's not even shopping or TV; it's not sex or gambling or obsessive exercise.  No, it's much more subtle and more difficult to recognize that all those.  After spending years TOTALLY judging people who watched a lot of TV,  it dawned on me one day that spending hours on the internet is not entirely different.  If I'm cruising the net, what am I not doing?  I'm not consciously intending on how I want to spend my precious time and energy. I'm not focused on what is truly meaningful to me.  I'm certainly not focused, maybe not even aware, of how I'm feeling.

When I'm feeling really upset, I feel frantic to talk to someone about it.  Why? Because I'm not very good at comforting myself through it.  Instead of accepting how I feel with self-compassion, I scramble to find something to do, whether it's opening my computer, organizing the cupboards, or taking care of just about anything.  Even talking to someone about what's wrong is really a distraction from being alone with my feelings.  All of these things are a "fix" to get me by until the next time I hit a breaking point and need another one.

What would I rather do?  Really focus on the feeling, even enhance it, call all of it to the surface from within me to feel it as intensely as possible.  The feeling will fester until it is felt.  The only way out is through.

Grow, F***ing Tulip!

I called my friend, Mimi, last weekend when I was feeling down about all the emotion I had just spewed on my friend.  She knows me well and knows how hard I am on myself and how hard I strive for perfection.  She said, "Imagine a tulip coming up out of the ground.  You're like a thunderstorm when the tulip needs stillness and tenderness.  It's like you're standing over the tulip saying 'Grow, f***ing tulip!'"  Wow, that's been powerful for me!  Hilarious, too.  I laugh every time I think about it!  It's so absurd.

Then Michael, my counselor (love him!), was helping me process through some emotions a few days later.  I was being abrasive with myself because I want to be strong and able to handle anything.  I actually am strong and can handle anything, but I don't like to admit that the opposite is true as well.  I don't want to admit that I'm actually hurt very easily and that there is a heap of hurt and sadness stuck inside from all the times I didn't allow myself to feel it.

As I was trying to get in touch with the feelings that I needed to feel, Michael said "What if you were trying to coax a bunny out of a hole?  What would that look like?"  "Come on, let's go, it won't hurt" is too harsh for a bunny.  Bunnies are very gentle, skittish creatures.  They scare easily and require quiet and calm.  They'll stop dead in their tracks at the first unknown sound and they'll run away to hide at the first sign of danger.  They will only come out of their hole if it's quiet, peaceful and safe.  If you want to get to know the bunny, you'd need to be quiet and peaceful and allow the bunny to come to you, offering a safe, nurturing presence.  Forcing and coercing will not work.  It simply won't.

These have changed my perspective entirely.  When I talk with my kids, I think about the bunny.  When I am impatient or disrespectful to myself with my words or thoughts, I think about the bunny.  We are all like bunnies. Our true selves can only feel comfortable being seen in a welcoming, accepting and loving environment.  It's apropos that tulips and bunnies are both representations of springtime, new beginnings and resurrection.

Knowing

If there's one thing I have learned on my journey, it's to trust myself.  My friend, Kathleen, and I joke about how I was when I first started on this path and was going through a divorce.  I would call her and say, "I don't know what I think... tell me what I think!"  I used to just plain assume I didn't know the answer.  I had no idea how to trust myself and was much more comfortable following whoever was in front of me.

Wow, is that different now.  Now when I'm cloudy, I get impatient and frustrated and wish I knew exactly what to do, but really I know that it's just not time to take action.  I've learned to differentiate between analytical conclusions, which sometimes are right on, and what I KNOW.  When I know it, I know it and there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to sway me.  I know it through every cell of my body and in the deepest part of my soul because it's really an awakening to the truth.  It's when I'm getting in touch with my higher self and the thing that is exactly right for me.

When I find myself in a vortex of confusion about what to do next, I have to remind myself that I know the answer and ask my brain to step aside for a moment.  I feel for the right answer and trust whatever comes to me.  I always find myself saying, "Okay, yeah, I already knew that." Always behind the confusion, the truth is uncomfortable for me, like having to tell the truth to someone when it's the most scary thing to do ever, or having to sit still to feel sad about something I've been avoiding my entire life.  Yikes!

It feels confusing because the truth is competing with the ego.  An internal battle between what my soul knows to be true and the story that my ego likes to tell about who I am and what I like to do.  No matter how spiritually evolved or intuitive a person is, no human being knows better about me and my life than I do.  I honestly thought they did.  It's' so liberating to know that I know what to do.

No Pointing Fingers

Anger is rarely about the thing that brought up the anger.  Anger is such a blessing, because if you look straight at it and get to know it and to know yourself through it, light is shed on the darkness.  I had been asking to know and heal my anger and irritability that I had been holding onto for so long.  So there is was, right in front of me, though I certainly didn't see it clearly at first.

Last week, a friend of mine told me about her being mistreated by a man she was dating.  I was very suddenly and surprisingly angry.  I wanted to give her the space she needed to make her own mistakes and live through her own process of learning without judgement.  I know that's what I need from my friends.  Instead, I was consumed with anger and sadness and focused on how wrong she was for allowing herself to be mistreated.  What I wish I would have done is noticed that she was bringing up so many emotions for me, told her that I needed the time and space to process through the emotions on my own, and then addressed them with her if it was still necessary, from a place of love in my heart.

Unfortunately, that's not what I did.  Instead, I had begun to process through it all and to understand where the anger and hurt were coming from, but was still angry with her for being so careless with herself.  I felt that she "needed" me (that's another story!), so went ahead with the ensuing conversations and proceeded to spew my unprocessed thoughts and feelings all over her.  She felt hurt enough by me that she no longer wants to be my friend.  Zowie!  What have I done?

So on I go, seeking deeper and deeper inside myself for the answers.  It's ME I need to look at, not her! It's ME that put up with mistreatment for a very long time. It's ME that hasn't yet forgiven myself for it. Someone said to me this weekend, "when you're pointing the finger at someone else, there are four fingers pointing back at you." Isn't that the truth!  I have no doubt that this situation that feels like a lot of hurt, will transform itself into healing for the highest good.                        

Against the Storm

Chaos all around
Unanswered questions, uncertainties
How can this be!?
Pushing, pulling, whirling
Core of self, principled
Only authenticity will be enough
Insecurities, doubts, fears
Push through, maintain you
Stand tall, unbreakable against the storm

Going In

I go in, I come out.  With love in my heart and a huge dose of humility, I go deeper into myself to explore what's there.  It gets to be very personal, once the masks are removed.  Wow!  I am always amazed at the breadth of feeling and understanding that comes from "going in" deeper.  I am floored, and yet I knew it all along.  I just didn't know I knew it.  When I go in deep, I come out without words.  I am left speechless, just trying to absorb what has just occurred.  If I speak, I might just repeat the same old story, even though I know now it isn't true.  What's the new story?  I don't know yet.  The path has been blown over with sand.  I must find a new way now.

It feels like the land of Oz, where the curtain is pulled away from where the wizard is trying to keep up appearances.  What can he do now, but tell the truth?   Once the truth is exposed, it is even more painful to keep up the facade.  It can be done, but "no, thank you", I say to that.  The truth shall set me free.

Beware of the Shadow

The shadow is the part of yourself you want to keep hidden, what you wish didn't exist.  Everyone has one, like it or not.  Twentieth century psychologist, Carl Jung, coined the term.  In his words, "As individual attention is habitually and excessively focused on the facade of the persona, the deeper, neglected aspects of the personality continually sabotage the individual's conscious intentions."  It's not that the facade is necessarily phony, just that the outward appearances don't tell a complete picture of the whole personality.  
I used to wish that I could always be sweet and loving.  Being sweet is part of my authentic self, but so is anger and sadness, which I avoided like the plague.  Life was easier for me when I was sweet and happy, or so I thought.  Keeping the shadow hidden is like trying to hold balloons under water.  It will eventually rise because these unconscious parts of us want to be known.  The more we try to keep them tucked away, the more they will appear when we wish they wouldn't.  Anger and sadness are my shadow, and they kept popping up as guilt trips I would lay on someone who didn't please me, intense criticism of people who had "anger problems", and I would find myself getting angry way beyond what was called for by what just happened.  No matter how hard I tried to be sweet and loving, the anger would find its way out.  
The key to becoming more whole and balanced is to get to know the shadow and allow it to play an acceptable role in our lives, rather than trying to hold it down.  Anger can be a warning sign that something is wrong and can be an important motivator of change for the better.  It's important to pay attention to when we feel angry because there's something there to look at within ourselves.  It may be that the current situation is wrong for us or it might be that an old wound is being opened, providing an opportunity for us to heal.
Since we don't want to own our shadow self, we become critical of it in ourselves and others.  Someone who believes that seriousness is desirable while playfulness is not, won't allow himself to be playful.  He will criticize himself for desiring to be playful and criticize others for having too much fun.  He will likely secretly detest them for being able to express that part of themselves.  If he were willing to know and love this side of himself, he could find balance between seriousness and playfulness and enjoy a richer life.
Sometimes we try so hard to hide certain qualities, we make ourselves believe that they don't exist within us.  We simply can't see them when they show up, but they certainly affect our relationships and lives.  We all have light and dark within us.  The more conscious we become of all the parts of ourselves, the more we can live with the purpose we desire.
In his famous sermon on the mount, Jesus asks his disciples, "Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?"  Jesus' wish for us is that we take a closer look at our own experience rather than focus on the faults of others.

Clear Blue Sky

Access the soul's wisdom
        through meditation.
Lay aside the activity
        and chaos.
Push aside the worries and plans,
        the fears of what might happen.
See the clear path down the center where
        sure-footed travel takes place.
Watch the clouds withdraw,
        dispersing and disappearing.
Gone; they were unnecessary anyway.
See the clear, blue sky
        where wisdom resides.
Feel the simplicity, enjoy the clarity
        where pressures don't exist.
Know the uncomplicated truth
        behind the clouds.
The clear, blue sky has been there
        all along.

Stuckness

I've been feeling stuck for quite a while, as if there's an obstacle preventing me from feeling joy and peace. I know it's in my belly, because I can feel it there.  I imagine it looks and feels like a round ball, filled with emotion, stuck in my belly, waiting for my attention.  For the longest time, I felt contempt for it.  I didn't want it to be there.  I didn't want to have to deal with it.  I didn't want to feel any more difficult emotions.  I just wanted to be past it without having to go into it.  But the longer I ignore it, the longer I feel depressed and anxious.
Depression and anxiety set in when I'm not willing to feel whatever emotion is in the forefront, as if I'm numb to the real emotion, pretending like everything is okay.  I know I'll go there eventually, because that's what I do.  I know I won't stop this journey because of a little difficult emotion.  It hasn't stopped me before.  My journey through the darkness, thankfully, has been intermingled with feelings of intense joy and pure peace, and making wonderful memories along the way.
I'd been dancing around the idea of going into the stuckness for quite a while, feeling scared of what might be there.  I've begun to open up that space to see what's inside.  Now it feels like I'm gently perusing the perimeter of it, contemplating whether to go in.  The more I go into what hurts me and keeps me stuck, the more I free up space for love and joy.  So I'll go there.

Out of the Box

No more facades, no more masks.
Only the truth will do now.
No more boxes, they're too constraining.
Reality doesn't fit in there.
Only what is real now.
From this day forward, nothing less will do.
Don't expect me to hide,
I won't worry about what you might think.
I have no time for that anymore.
In the box, I might explode,
In the truth, I love my life.
I climb out of the box, look around,
See what there is to see.
Wow! A world full of wonderful, amazing things.
Where were they before?
I couldn't see them.
I will never go back.

Death Before Resurrection

Resurrection awaits those willing to die.  We must die to all attachments, identities, and limitations that our ego has built up for us, to protect us from the world in which we live.  We must forget all we think we know.  Our "truth" is only true in our minds and holds no weight in the universe.  The laws of the universe will continue to function and we will remain right where we are if we don't let go.
We want to feel safe in what we know, so we convince ourselves that our truth is our reality.  We may believe that if we work hard enough to be perfect, we will finally earn the love and affection of those who withhold it.  We may believe that we will never have the love or life we want.
Our reality changes with our perceptions.  We don't have to be the way we've always been.  We don't have to believe what we've always believed about ourselves and others and the way things work.  As long as we hold on tight to our ego fabrications, things won't change for us.  Our course will continue in the same way it always has.
When we open ourselves up to the infinite possibilities, letting go of all attachment to our old truth, things begin to change.  The truth can be turned upside down.  We can imagine a life filled with love.  Our hearts and our minds shift, making room for new beliefs, new feelings, and new actions.   The resurrection can take place.  A new self can be born, a new and purer creation. 

To Dwell or Not to Dwell

Anger is real.
Emotions are like water and need to move.  It must go somewhere.  Where it goes is up to us:  it goes out or it stays in.  When allowed to stay in, anger will fester, causing chaos in our physical body and on our emotional state.  The space left when anger is released will be filled with joy and peace if that is what we want.
When you feel anger, it's because it's there, in you.  "Dwelling" means to sit and ponder, revisiting each incident that incited anger.  This may actually cause anger to grow more toxic.  What distinguishes dwelling from moving the anger out, is the intention.  You don't have to know what to do or how to do it.  Just "intend".  Acknowledge it's existence and courageously intend that it go away.  The loving universal energy will then swoop down to help.  Your free will has just requested assistance.  Now observe and answer the call to confront, feel, release.  Observe the anger moving out.

A Time for Transition

Tides roll in and back out, change the only certainty.
Ride the wave; fighting to change it, you will drown.

Emotions flow like water, always changing.
Float safely on love, for self and those held most dear.

Gratitude and humor provide a smoother ride.
Peace will inhabit where love resides.

A time for action, strong and sure.
A wave crashes back again, struggle to feel serenity.

A time for waiting, quietly observing, healing, resting.
Uncertain, unsettled, unknown.

A time for ripening, passion rests while the heart heals.
Rests and ripens, preparing to shine again.

A time to blossom. 
Let go, and let it shine.

Moving Forward

Moving forward, stopping only to rest,
Taking care not to wallow in the muck.

Shedding layers along the way,
Making room for joy.

Always more to come,
Feeling peace on my path.

Love Them Anyway

By Mother Teresa

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Faith or Fear?

I waver between faith and fear, like I'm sure most people do.  Even the most faith-filled among us have to fend off fear sometimes.  It's all part of the plan.  When we use our free will to recognize that we are fearful and that we cannot at the same time have absolute faith, we remember that God is in control.  This is both scary and comforting to me.  I would like to think I am in control.  It provides me with the illusion that everything will be fine because I am so powerful and I can make things happen.  That may be true, until I try to control other people, my circumstances or anything other than my own thoughts and actions.
I know God has a plan and I trust that it will be much more rewarding than my own, self-imposed version.  I am not able to see the bigger picture of the universe the way God does.  When I humble myself enough to truly surrender to the miraculous power and knowing of the universe, I feel serenity. 

A Seasonal Perspective

A warm spring day, a gentle breeze.
Sun in the clear blue sky, tiny new green leaves.

Lawnmowers running again.
The scent of fresh-cut grass and sunscreen.

Kids at the park, bare feet on the ground.
Laughing and running in the sunshine.

Pleasantly forgetting what I've forgotten.
Birds singing and working, preparing for another beginning.

Calm in Uncertainty

My life is in transition now, with big decisions to be made, uncharted territory to navigate through and no certain signs of what the future holds.  I spin on my gerbil wheel, trying to get one thing settled, then another from my list.  When I reach the end of the list, is that when peace sets in?
I've felt a range of emotions throughout the last few years as I have rearranged my life, from complete agony to utter bliss.  Up and down, up and down, with bliss wedging its way in more often and the painful emotions taking less and less of a hold on me.
Though things are generally looking up, I still encounter the nagging feeling like "things" aren't quite as settled as I would like.  I have to remind myself that life is just that way.  It's ever-changing.  The goal is not to get everything into perfect order and then feel peace.  It doesn't work that way.  New issues pop up constantly.  I never know what is around the next corner, even if I thought I put an issue to rest and have moved on from it.  Nope.  Here it comes again.
The calm is not ever going to be in the "things".  It has to be in me if I'm ever going to feel it.  I want to accept my circumstances as they are and feel the peace that comes with acceptance.  If I can remember that a core of peace and love exists within me and all I need to do is relax and accept myself for all that I am, with the joy and exuberance, the anger and sadness, and the ever-changing circumstances, I won't need to fret.  It's all okay and serves a purpose.  If I can accept that, I can feel calm in the uncertainty.