Going In

I go in, I come out.  With love in my heart and a huge dose of humility, I go deeper into myself to explore what's there.  It gets to be very personal, once the masks are removed.  Wow!  I am always amazed at the breadth of feeling and understanding that comes from "going in" deeper.  I am floored, and yet I knew it all along.  I just didn't know I knew it.  When I go in deep, I come out without words.  I am left speechless, just trying to absorb what has just occurred.  If I speak, I might just repeat the same old story, even though I know now it isn't true.  What's the new story?  I don't know yet.  The path has been blown over with sand.  I must find a new way now.

It feels like the land of Oz, where the curtain is pulled away from where the wizard is trying to keep up appearances.  What can he do now, but tell the truth?   Once the truth is exposed, it is even more painful to keep up the facade.  It can be done, but "no, thank you", I say to that.  The truth shall set me free.

Beware of the Shadow

The shadow is the part of yourself you want to keep hidden, what you wish didn't exist.  Everyone has one, like it or not.  Twentieth century psychologist, Carl Jung, coined the term.  In his words, "As individual attention is habitually and excessively focused on the facade of the persona, the deeper, neglected aspects of the personality continually sabotage the individual's conscious intentions."  It's not that the facade is necessarily phony, just that the outward appearances don't tell a complete picture of the whole personality.  
I used to wish that I could always be sweet and loving.  Being sweet is part of my authentic self, but so is anger and sadness, which I avoided like the plague.  Life was easier for me when I was sweet and happy, or so I thought.  Keeping the shadow hidden is like trying to hold balloons under water.  It will eventually rise because these unconscious parts of us want to be known.  The more we try to keep them tucked away, the more they will appear when we wish they wouldn't.  Anger and sadness are my shadow, and they kept popping up as guilt trips I would lay on someone who didn't please me, intense criticism of people who had "anger problems", and I would find myself getting angry way beyond what was called for by what just happened.  No matter how hard I tried to be sweet and loving, the anger would find its way out.  
The key to becoming more whole and balanced is to get to know the shadow and allow it to play an acceptable role in our lives, rather than trying to hold it down.  Anger can be a warning sign that something is wrong and can be an important motivator of change for the better.  It's important to pay attention to when we feel angry because there's something there to look at within ourselves.  It may be that the current situation is wrong for us or it might be that an old wound is being opened, providing an opportunity for us to heal.
Since we don't want to own our shadow self, we become critical of it in ourselves and others.  Someone who believes that seriousness is desirable while playfulness is not, won't allow himself to be playful.  He will criticize himself for desiring to be playful and criticize others for having too much fun.  He will likely secretly detest them for being able to express that part of themselves.  If he were willing to know and love this side of himself, he could find balance between seriousness and playfulness and enjoy a richer life.
Sometimes we try so hard to hide certain qualities, we make ourselves believe that they don't exist within us.  We simply can't see them when they show up, but they certainly affect our relationships and lives.  We all have light and dark within us.  The more conscious we become of all the parts of ourselves, the more we can live with the purpose we desire.
In his famous sermon on the mount, Jesus asks his disciples, "Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?"  Jesus' wish for us is that we take a closer look at our own experience rather than focus on the faults of others.

Clear Blue Sky

Access the soul's wisdom
        through meditation.
Lay aside the activity
        and chaos.
Push aside the worries and plans,
        the fears of what might happen.
See the clear path down the center where
        sure-footed travel takes place.
Watch the clouds withdraw,
        dispersing and disappearing.
Gone; they were unnecessary anyway.
See the clear, blue sky
        where wisdom resides.
Feel the simplicity, enjoy the clarity
        where pressures don't exist.
Know the uncomplicated truth
        behind the clouds.
The clear, blue sky has been there
        all along.

Stuckness

I've been feeling stuck for quite a while, as if there's an obstacle preventing me from feeling joy and peace. I know it's in my belly, because I can feel it there.  I imagine it looks and feels like a round ball, filled with emotion, stuck in my belly, waiting for my attention.  For the longest time, I felt contempt for it.  I didn't want it to be there.  I didn't want to have to deal with it.  I didn't want to feel any more difficult emotions.  I just wanted to be past it without having to go into it.  But the longer I ignore it, the longer I feel depressed and anxious.
Depression and anxiety set in when I'm not willing to feel whatever emotion is in the forefront, as if I'm numb to the real emotion, pretending like everything is okay.  I know I'll go there eventually, because that's what I do.  I know I won't stop this journey because of a little difficult emotion.  It hasn't stopped me before.  My journey through the darkness, thankfully, has been intermingled with feelings of intense joy and pure peace, and making wonderful memories along the way.
I'd been dancing around the idea of going into the stuckness for quite a while, feeling scared of what might be there.  I've begun to open up that space to see what's inside.  Now it feels like I'm gently perusing the perimeter of it, contemplating whether to go in.  The more I go into what hurts me and keeps me stuck, the more I free up space for love and joy.  So I'll go there.

Out of the Box

No more facades, no more masks.
Only the truth will do now.
No more boxes, they're too constraining.
Reality doesn't fit in there.
Only what is real now.
From this day forward, nothing less will do.
Don't expect me to hide,
I won't worry about what you might think.
I have no time for that anymore.
In the box, I might explode,
In the truth, I love my life.
I climb out of the box, look around,
See what there is to see.
Wow! A world full of wonderful, amazing things.
Where were they before?
I couldn't see them.
I will never go back.

Death Before Resurrection

Resurrection awaits those willing to die.  We must die to all attachments, identities, and limitations that our ego has built up for us, to protect us from the world in which we live.  We must forget all we think we know.  Our "truth" is only true in our minds and holds no weight in the universe.  The laws of the universe will continue to function and we will remain right where we are if we don't let go.
We want to feel safe in what we know, so we convince ourselves that our truth is our reality.  We may believe that if we work hard enough to be perfect, we will finally earn the love and affection of those who withhold it.  We may believe that we will never have the love or life we want.
Our reality changes with our perceptions.  We don't have to be the way we've always been.  We don't have to believe what we've always believed about ourselves and others and the way things work.  As long as we hold on tight to our ego fabrications, things won't change for us.  Our course will continue in the same way it always has.
When we open ourselves up to the infinite possibilities, letting go of all attachment to our old truth, things begin to change.  The truth can be turned upside down.  We can imagine a life filled with love.  Our hearts and our minds shift, making room for new beliefs, new feelings, and new actions.   The resurrection can take place.  A new self can be born, a new and purer creation. 

To Dwell or Not to Dwell

Anger is real.
Emotions are like water and need to move.  It must go somewhere.  Where it goes is up to us:  it goes out or it stays in.  When allowed to stay in, anger will fester, causing chaos in our physical body and on our emotional state.  The space left when anger is released will be filled with joy and peace if that is what we want.
When you feel anger, it's because it's there, in you.  "Dwelling" means to sit and ponder, revisiting each incident that incited anger.  This may actually cause anger to grow more toxic.  What distinguishes dwelling from moving the anger out, is the intention.  You don't have to know what to do or how to do it.  Just "intend".  Acknowledge it's existence and courageously intend that it go away.  The loving universal energy will then swoop down to help.  Your free will has just requested assistance.  Now observe and answer the call to confront, feel, release.  Observe the anger moving out.